Snoqualmie Middle School Unveils Pipeline to Streamline Middle Schoolers' Entry To Service Sector

Snoqualmie, WA—Speaking Monday at the City Council meeting, Snoqualmie Middle School principal Marua Bartolotti introduced a new work study program for area preteens, “Eagles at Work,” seeking to mobilize the city’s untapped 11-to-14 labor demographic.

“It’s a well-known fact that during the summer, roughly 85% of area business labor comes from students between the ages of 15 to 18 years old,” said Bartolotti. “However, we have a tremendous amount of under-valued human capital right here at our Railroad Avenue campus. I’m honored to introduce a pre-adolescent workforce optimization program for our students between 6th and 8th grade.” She noted that “for too long, we’ve allowed 7th graders to squander peak productive years on unnecessary subjects like algebra while the local Taco Time drive-through is dangerously understaffed.”

Snoqualmie Valley Blower reporters were allowed copies of a press release describing the program, which involves replacing trigonometry periods with food handler permit certifications in association with the Washington State Department of Health. Students will no longer waste time in chemistry labs; instead they will gain practical experience calibrating the pH levels of Scott’s Dairy Freeze fryers. Other non-essential subjects like social science and language arts are due to be phased out in favor of specific job training programs: line chefs, cashiers, and baristas among them.

“We found that a sixth-grader’s natural desire for peer approval translates perfectly into the high-pressure environment of a local restaurant,” Bartolotti added, noting that “underperforming” students would be relegated to the North Bend Arby’s to perform “custodial penance” in a location where their presence would go largely unnoticed by the general public, since nobody ever goes there.

“We’re trimming the fat from the curriculum,” Bartolotti is reported as saying. “Their incredible dexterity is perfect for unclogging espresso machines, and there’s actually quite a bit of demand for able bodies that fit inside of HVAC ducts for cleaning purposes.”

Snoqualmie Middle School student Jaden Smith, 12, was part of the pilot program. “Yeah, the benefits are non-existent and my manager is a 16-year-old douchebag,” he claimed, “but now I’m finally on track to buy that $4000 Sur-Ron ebike I need to terrorize dog-walkers on the Snoqualmie Valley Trail.”

At press time, Snoqualmie Elementary School officials were scouting area playground equipment to identify kindergartners with the climbing agility required for roofing and second-story window glazing.