Local Man Hospitalized After Attempting to Pick Family's Primary Dental Care Provider

North Bend, WA—Suffering from acute decision paralysis triggered by a market oversaturation of Snoqualmie Valley dentists, area newcomer Joshua Richardson was rushed to Snoqualmie Valley Hospital on Monday afternoon after attempting to select a primary dental care provider for his family.

According to first responders, Richardson collapsed in his new 3-bed, 3-bath townhouse in North Bend’s River Glen neighborhood, just minutes after opening a browser tab labeled “dentists near me.” Witnesses report the 38-year-old entered a catatonic state upon realizing that nearly every commercial storefront was occupied by a general family practice, an orthodontist, or a periodontist with a regionally-based name like “Cascadia Smiles.”

“I walked in and he was staring at a color-coded spreadsheet containing all 10 options within a quarter of a square mile of downtown North Bend,” reports Elena Richardson, 36, noting that her husband began convulsing after cross-referencing Kelly R. Garwood’s Yelp ratings with Eric J. Opsveig’s online booking availability. “He hadn’t even gotten to options in Snoqualmie, Fall City, or Issaquah yet.”

Daughter Nora, age 14, confirmed the account, adding that “he tried to filter by ‘accepts Delta Dental’ and the results list actually expanded to include our own address. Apparently the previous owners were performing root canals out of the guest bathroom.”

Dr. Cary Buchenholtz, the attending physician, confirmed that Richardson was suffering from “Gingivital Choice Psychosis”, a condition increasingly common in Snoqualmie Valley. “The human brain is simply not evolved to process such a density of oral hygienists, one that rivals the population of local working-age adults,” said Buchenholtz, who treated Richardson with a sedative and hastily closed the curtains, through which two new dental offices were visible under construction across the street.

At press time, doctors listed Richardson in stable condition, though he reportedly suffered a minor relapse after asking a nurse about area counseling practices.