Area Woman Can't Get Over Zebra Escape

North Bend, WA—Sporting a zebra-print sweater that family confirms is not ironically worn, area woman Reneé Collins, 58, excitedly discovered a shelf of equine figurines Thursday at the North Bend Trading Post, a retail establishment dedicated to converting regional pride to dusty future Goodwill donations since 2023.

“Hank, look! Look how cute this is!” reported Collins, forcibly waving a plush zebra in front of her husband Henry, 61, who displayed the face of a man questioning his will to endure, before uttering what a witness described as “the sound of a soul deflating.”

Sources close to Collins maintain that the local grandmother has maintained an obsessive relationship with zebra-themed merchandise since the events of April 27th, 2024 captivated national news for approximately three days.

“She’s just fixated on the whole zebra thing,” revealed one friend who declined to be named for this story. “It was cute when she served the book club tea in matching black-and-white mugs, but watching her berate a teenage manager for removing the inflatable zebra from the Birches awning confirmed she had crossed the line from quirky hobby to unhealthy mania.”

Multiple eyewitnesses report Collins has graduated to municipal-level zebra advocacy, with one city employee describing themselves as “shell-shocked” after a 47-minute presentation proposing an anatomically precise, tax-funded zebra mural on the side of the Iron Duck building downtown.

At press time, Collins was seen at the North Bend Trading Post checkout counter purchasing stuffed zebra plushes for her grandchildren, who reportedly “already have too much of this crap.”